So I purchased my tickets. Im off, January sixth. Its official, and I don't have any plans to come back. I don't have much of a plan after I travel to Spain, Egypt and Israel. Just get to Florida and see what happens. Shrug.
Its easy to give up what you don't have. I have no family, no property and basically I am no one of any significance, at least not to anyone of any social or hierarchal significance.
But there is something inside me that feels like I am losing something. When I got to the airport on Kauai to return back to Oahu, I started to cry before I even opened the door. The car had just stopped and I was saying my thank you's and this emotion welled up in my throat and out my eyes. I couldn't talk and had to just get out of the car, get my bags and go.
That same feeling keeps coming up. When I am just walking the dog, or sitting at Magic Island reading a book. Its like the breeze hits me and I want to cry.
What will the wind be like in Florida? I know it wont smell the same. What will it be like in Egypt. I wonder if it will smell like dirt? Will it be like the hot, dusty, dry wind in Nevada? I bet Egypt will smell like all kinds of weird stuff.
I'm sure no place will smell like home. The moist, cool air coming down from the valley. Or the Kona winds and the light breeze in the evening smelling like salt and fish. And then you know the next day will be a hot one. I especially love the smell of rain, right before it sprinkles. In Manoa valley, its like you can smell eucalyptus, bamboo and soft leafy green grass.
The wind and rain will always be here. I don't have to worry about losing anything. But I won't actually have it with me, or around me. That is the hardest thing to fathom.
I am leaving a bunch of people that I love, places I feel connected to and a culture that has made me much of who I am.
I am super nervous to go to the mainland and be surrounded by white and hispanic people. The hispanics are cool but their culture is different than my local-asian culture. And although I look like all the other white people, I think Im more asian than anything. Not because I love asian culture or anything like that, cause I don't specifically love it. It's just familiar to me because Hawaii is so asian. A lot of the people I love are either Asian, Filipino or Hawaiian. Thats me!
This is a major change. Not necessarily for better or worse, just different. I used to think I would live here forever, but I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. Hence the move and the need to do go. It is time. I keep telling myself I can always come back if I want to.
There are aspects of Hawaii that I will miss dearly. But I'm not giving them up. They are a part of me and in me. Hawaii is very special to me, it is after all ku'u one hanau (my birthplace). For most people where they were born isn't a big deal. But to be born in Hawaii is significant for us who are born here. There is a connection to this place.
I can tell myself I'm not losing my connection, but there is a fear that I might. Maybe that's why this emotion keeps coming up. Well, we'll just have to see what happens, maybe its just a silly fear that will come to nothing.
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3 comments:
When we where praying about leaving Hawaii and we where struggling with the decision John Dawson gave me some of the best insight into what we where doing he said "you never LEAVE a place, you are SENT out. Taking with you all the anointing and inheritance of that place. When you go back you are an elder of that place."
You are not leaving Hawaii, you are being sent out taking all that Hawaii is. The transition is going to be difficult and you will have culture shock but rest assured Jesus is going with you and so does Hawaii.
Ahh, I so know the feeling you are describing. What I have learned from my moves though, is that while the transition can be, or rather without question IS painful, your life is just more and more enriched by the new friends you make and the new experiences you have. It's a life of a few subtractions and many additions and multiplications.
I always took it for granted. I wanted to get out of the islands as fast as i could and denied my connections to them. But you're absolutly right. Hawaii will always be in my heart and it will ALWAYS be pulling me back to their beauty. I hate to say it, i guess it's not comforting, but every time my mind wonders back to what was familiar, i am deeply homesick. I never thought i would be affected by it. maybe it'll be harder for you because your more aware of it. but maybe it'll be easier because you knew what you were getting into. love you....the things you wrote are the things i feel all the time.
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